Starting Up Again

Clearly I haven't done this in ages.. Since we were newly weds actually.  But, now we are days away from our 3 year anniversary, and honestly, marriage isn't what I had expected.

Marriage is wonderful, it really is.  But I just sort of thought that getting married might "fix" some insecurities I had.  I know that was a dumb thought!  But it hasn't, if anything it's brought those things closer to the surface, which I guess is a good thing, because now, I can face them head on!  Like a freaking champion, or unicorn.  I like unicorns better.

Years 1 and 2 of marriage were pretty straight forward and easy for me.  We are both busy, we don't see each other tons, so our time together we loved.  But the end of year three things got rockier.  I can honestly say that the last 5 months of my life have been the hardest.  If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I could have kept going the way I am, I would have laughed and said, "Hell no!".  But, here I am, standing as tall as I can, and pushing to make life easier.

I think that some things in a marriage need to be kept between the couple, and that's where most of my deepest thoughts will stay.  Tucked away in a journal, because writing things down helps.  But I will say that the Lord works in mysterious ways, and more than anything, I have been trying to learn to accept my Father's will and timing.

Right after an incredibly trying, and difficult time with my sweetheart, so many thoughts were coming swiftly to my mind.  One of them being, are we going to make it?  That thought swirled around in my head for a few weeks.  I was petrified that I would end up divorced just like my parents.  But, I needed to stand my ground and things needed to change.  So, with that, I prepared myself to become okay with the idea of being alone again if certain things did not change swiftly.  But within a few weeks of finding my bottom line, I found out that I was expecting our first baby.  The deed happened before crap hit the fan, but now we were bringing a child into our crazy, unstable home.

I will never forget thinking, man my period feels late.  But I chalked it up to the fact that I have an incredibly long cycle anyways - 36 days - and it's not always normal...  We had actually TRIED for a baby all of October, November and December and didn't get anywhere, so there was no way that this could be happening when we were actively preventing.  I had just been saying how grateful I was that I wasn't pregnant before things got hard at home.  But, Sunday, January 29th, I woke up early and took the test before David woke up.  I just knew in my heart that there was nothing... but as quickly as those thoughts entered my head, they were swiftly stolen away by the blaring word "pregnant" flashing across the screen.  There were no tears. There was no emotion.  There was slight excitement, but more fear than anything else.  I slowly walked to our bedroom, woke my husband up and handed him the test.  Not saying a word.

So, I did what I do best, suppressed the feelings, and worked diligently to help aid in the fixing of our marriage for baby's sake.  I had always said that I wanted a surprise baby, and here it was, so this must be God's perfect timing, because he doesn't make mistakes.

We told our families about baby when we were about 10 weeks along.  Everyone was in town and I just kept telling myself that there was such a low risk of there being something wrong, that we would be okay.  Our parents knew we were struggling, and instead of excitement, I got blank stares of fear when we said they were going to be grandparents.  My heart sunk.  For 27 years I had waited for that moment of telling family that we would have a baby, and then I literally got asked, "Are you okay with this?"  I wanted to scream from the roof tops, "What other choice to I have than to be grateful for this child that God has blessed me with?!"  I avoided baby talk with them and just pushed forward in working on our home.

The idea that we were having a baby finally sunk in.  I was beyond excited and things were starting to get easier at home.  I was only sick every once in a while, but was thinking I just must be a lucky one!  I started stocking up on diapers and making lists of things we needed.  We had our first appointment with the Dr. and started a payment plan to cover costs of our new bundle of joy.  But, on February 27th, I started to spot.  I had a little spotting earlier, but the midwife insured me that it was normal, and I was fine.  But this was different.  That night I was making dinner and instantly I felt sick.  My stomach hurt and I felt yucky, so I lied down on the couch, honestly too scared to go to the bathroom.  When I finally did- what I saw broke my heart.  I left my husband a message and then I frantically tried to call the midwife, but their office was closed.  So, naturally, I called my mom.  Through tears I asked if what was happening was normal, I asked her to be straight with me, and in a sad voice I heard, "sweetheart, it sounds like its not sticking."  I knew what that meant, she had confirmed my worse fears.  She thought I was miscarrying.

We decide to not go to the hospital, because that would be a large bill for only answers, they wouldn't be able to do anything.  That night I asked our closest friends and family to pray.  I got a blessing, and we decided to go to the doctor as soon as they opened.  I called the next morning and got an appointment right at the beginning.  The bleeding had slowed, so David had felt pretty sure that we would hear a heart beat.. but I knew deep down that there wouldn't be one.  I had woken up crying because I realized  that my breasts weren't tender anymore, I knew this was it.

The midwife ordered an ultrasound and I watched the screen with tears in my eyes as I saw the sac, but didn't see anything in it.  I had never been pregnant before, but I knew that something was wrong.  The tech then said, "well, you are measuring a little small.." I was measuring at 6 weeks 5 days, and was almost 11 weeks along.  But baby wasn't there.  Blighted Ovum.  (If you don't know what this is, it's the most common form of early miscarriage.  It happens when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but never develops into an embryo) I remember I couldn't even hold David's hand, I just had one had on my stomach, while the other was up holding my hair out of my face.  I was just staring.  The rest of the appointment I dont' really remember.  I know they gave me options of a natural miscarriage, a d&c or cytotec.. but I felt like I couldn't make that kind of decision that quickly.  So we opted for natural and then could discuss other options later.  We went to breakfast, bought pads, and waited.  My sister brought dinner, another sent flowers, my friends brought dinner, a lady I work with brought dinner for  3 days in a row, and sent flowers, some family sent cards... but I just wanted to be alone.  I stayed home from work for a week, and I don't think I left the couch.

A few days after the news we decided that the waiting was horrible.  I didn't want to go to work and have it happen while I was there so I took cytotec to basically induce labor.  I would end up taking these pills 3 separate times- and it still wouldn't work.  It was painful, but it almost felt good, because the physical pain was helping with the emotional pain.  On March 29th I spoke with the doctor on the phone through tears, as they told me I would need an emergency D&C because things were taking too long, and my numbers weren't dropping.  But, then I went home for lunch and it happened.  I was alone.  The hardest thing I ever did was flush.  I quietly knelt down in my bathroom and offered a prayer thanking my Father in Heaven for letting me be that baby's momma even for  just the few days or minutes it's tiny heart was beating.  People may think it's crazy, but to ease my heart I felt that our baby needed a name. Jordan Riley Covey. Gender neutral and perfect for our first babe.

I feel like now, everyone and their dog are due around September 27th.  My baby's birthday.  And with each new announcement, tears stream down my face as I try to say congratulations and tell them how excited I am for them.  Because I truly am, but I hurt for myself.  I now wear a small pear necklace for my angel baby and am dreading my first Mother's Day. Because no one knows I am one.

I'm trusting the Lord's timing.  I know that now probably wasn't the best time to bring a child into our family, but it defiantly doesn't minimize the pain in any way.  I also know that this baby brought my husband and I closer.  I don't think I would've worked as hard as we have if it weren't for baby Jordan.

For now, I'm just holding to the fact that I am a Momma.

By baby is just in heaven waiting for me.

Newlyweds.

David and I have been married just over 50 days!

It is remarkable how quickly time flies, and that in a few weeks we will have been together for a full year.  Life with David just seems so right.  I don't know how else to explain it.  It's easy, complete, and happy.  I was a little concerend about having someone else living in my house... I've been on my own for so long, but it was one of the easiest and most natural transitions.  So far, so good!  50 days!

David completes me in a way that is remarkable.  We are so incredibly different, but so very alike at the same time.  He does the simpliest things that mean the world to me.  Here's some of them...

• David does the dishes.  I cook, so he cleans.
• If I work at 7 am he gets up early and puts my breakfast in a brown paper bag because he wants to see me leave with food in my hand, EVEN if I keep oatmeal at work.
• He is very organized so it is the best silent reminder to keep my things picked up.
• He is the most gentle kind spoken person, even when he's frustrated.
• We have a plant, Shirley is her name, and he waters her every morning on his way out the door.

I know you probably look at those and roll your eyes a little bit, but they mean the world to me.  I have lived by myself for sooo long that having another person to help keep things picked up, is amazing!  David is DEFINATELY the cleanest person I've ever met, so it's more like he is helping keep all my stuff cleaned up, but boy, having to sets of hands helping is way better than just me! 

We haven't done too much since we got married. We got married on May 16th, and stayed in Poky that night. I thought we were going directly to Salt Lake for a long weekend but I was surprised with an AMAZING hotel in Park City.  I mean this place was complete with a washer and dryer, full kitchen, and HOT TUB on a balcony over looking the resort!  That day we wondered the city and resort and made homemade pizza.  The next morning we packed up and headed to Salt Lake.  We went to the zoo, the Aquarium, went shopping, and just hung out.  I can't tell you how nice it was to be on our own... no parents calling to make sure David got home, just us.  Do whatever we want.  It was much needed. But way way too short.  We headed home on Tuesday ready for a busy week.



Photobooth from the new Aquarium



Checking out wing spans at the zoo... I seriously do have monkey arms.
 

The morning after our wedding David and I had the prompting that we needed to turn our phones back on... within five minutes of them starting up we got the call that David's Grandma had passed away the morning after our reception.  We were so grateful she was able to be there, and was with family the night before she passed.  So when we got home, both of us went back to work Wednesday, had a graduation party that night for his sister, thursday was graduation, Friday was spent with family that was in town, Saturday was the funeral, Sunday was spent with family again, and back to work Monday.  So the week before and after the wedding, were enough to drive us a little nuts to say the least.  

Our wedding was a perfect one. We had a few little mishaps that happened the day before, and day of.  But, it makes for some great stories.  Here's a few.

• David made us 1 hr late for setting up the reception, and we had limited time.
• My sweet, sweet David showed up 30 minutes late to our own wedding... after I threatened him the day before.... His dad takes credit for this, but not the best way to start the day.
• All of my brothers and sisters weren't at the temple, so we decided to do family pictures with my side of the family at the reception, but my nephew got sick so we never got family pictures.
• My dress I wore to the temple got something on it we couldn't get off so a beautiful spot was on the back of it.  
• My mom wasn't in the temple with me, so my Grandma Packer (my mom's mom) was my escort.  Well the sealer spoke to the moms... but mine wasn't there, so after the sealing at the luncheon a guy from David's ward came up to say congratulations, then said, "So I noticed your mom wasn't in the temple, is she dead?"  Yup.  I got asked if my mom was dead.  She was standing right behind him.  So that was fun.
• By the time the reception was over, I was so hot, felt trapped in my dress, and beyond frustrated. I just wanted OUT of that dress, and AWAY from all those people. It's funny to think about how grumpy I was.

We are beyond grateful to be back to normal life!  Well as normal as life gets.  We are constantly bouncing around from Princess Parties to family get togethers, to the gym to date night.  We like to be busy and were good at it. We absolutely loved having a long weekend together!  Even though we're married we feel like we dont see each other often enough.  So the long weekend was just what the dr. ordered. We slept in, watched movies, ate good food.  We enjoyed every minute of it!  We can't wait until the 18th so that we can head up to Washington and spend a week at the Beach House with my family.  It will be so nice to have a get away before school starts!  We have a long road ahead of us with jobs, and school! 

Well theres our little catch ya up to date!

Hope you all had a wonderful forth!



I was Princess Anna from Frozen for a party



David and I heading out to go swimming before the rain crashed our party.



David's Family somehow convinced me to ride a bike 50 miles with no training.
The first time I got on a road bike was a week before, went on two rides, 12 mi, then 23 mi.
Then I rode fifty with his little sister on a tandem bike. BRUTAL.



Our festive 4th shirts!  'Merica!

XO,

Mrs. Covey

P.S. This month we also hit our 1 year mark from our first date! One year ago we were both 20 pounds lighter, and I had a sprained ankle!  Huzzah for better, fatter times!

IT'S FINALLY HERE!

Ladies and Gentleman, the week is finally here!

This week I get to marry my very best friend and I get to go through the temple for the first time.  I have never felt so blessed in my life.  The Lord knows us so well.  I'm so grateful for what will take place this week.  I know that the Lord knew I needed to wait a little longer than my friends to get married.  The Lord knew that I needed to learn more about myself, and that I needed to learn EXACTLY who I was before I could be a loving wife.  I'm so grateful for my 24 single years, and all I've learned, but I'm even more excited to have David by my side to learn the rest.  

Here's to the beginning of our eternity.

I love you, David.

APRIL

Well folks, it has been 45 days since my last post.  HOLY FREAK, 45 days?!  Where in the world did that time go.  And the even crazier news, my sweet David and I only have 21 one more days until we are sealed together for time and all eternity.  So much has been going on around here, and most days I cant decide if I just need to cry, take a nap, be heard, or walk away.  Whoever decided you needed all this fancy wedding nonsense... take me to them... we need to have a chat, or just let me slap them.  So much has been changing around here, so here is the scoop.  Sorry for the bullets, they are the easiest way to get it all down and making sense.

- I got the job!  I have officially started a new job in my office. I now can say I only have one desk, one boss, and office life is great!  Well mostly. I found out about a month ago that the position was mine.  I was able to move back to my new desk, but I was having to maintain the other two desk while I worked the new one.  I always said that my previous job was WAY too much... because it was two jobs that had been morphed into one.  Well three jobs, proved to be too much.  Starting Monday the 28th, the new gal starts and I could not be more excited.  I'll be able to relax, focus on one job, and go home without being completely mentally exhausted. 

- David got the job!  David just got a job at Key Med ( a closed pharmacy), he is one of their drivers and is making great money and is working awesome hours.  I'm so proud of him, and am so grateful he is enjoying what he's doing.  He will work there for the summer, and will cut hours back once school starts up in the fall.  Now we just have to figure out how to get him to and from work..

- We are on the car hunt!  My handsome man needs a car... one car really wont work for us once we get married.  Our schedules conflict too much to be able to only have one car, so let the games begin!

- Our wedding invitations are being sent out this weekend.  After quite a nerve racking moment for a bride, last minute we had to switch where we were printing our announcements, and had to do it online... without seeing a test print or knowing what they'd turn out like.  After a heart attack, some intense prayers, and saving 150 dollars.  We are beyond thrilled.  Talk about beauties.  You should be excited to see what they look like. :)

- Because planning my own wedding wasn't enough for me, I offered to do the flowers for one of my very dear friends weddings.  We let them copy my idea and we made them feather boutonnieres and they turned out AWESOME.  We also made hair pieces for all of the women, that was a big Ole prayer on those two... never done that before!  And to top that all off, it took over one of our last free weekends before our wedding, AND I had to wear a dress in a specific color... a color I didn't own, nor could I find.... so i had to make a dress.   WE looked awesome though.  David was my saving grace that week, and despite a few nice sized fights, due to stress, we are happier then ever.   Word to the wise:  Try not to help, or be in a wedding when yours is a month away.  Too much stress.

Seriously though... didn't we look amazing?!


 

 - 2nd Place!  My adorable little volleyball team placed 2nd this weekend. We lost our final game by 2 points, and I will blame this loss on the loser of a ref we had.  She decided what we were doing was illegal half way through the second game.....I yelled the words "WHATEVER"  threw my hands in the air and walked off.... anyone who knows me knows that the words whatever are dangerous with me.... that means I am BEYOND pissed.   But oh well, we did amazing, and I'm proud of my girls.


Well guys, those are the big things from the past month.  It has been so crazy.  Full of love, laughter, tears, fights, and being beyond tired, but I wouldn't change it for the world.  Just the other day, David and I were sitting on the couch, scanning pictures and his 16 year old sister was asking us questions, about half way through our conversation she asked if we had fought yet.  Both of us wide eyed, laughed and said, "Yes." in unison.   She said, "Well when was the last time you fought,"  we both looked at each other and David said, "Oh, maybe a week ago, maybe less?" She looked at us, completely stunned that we had fought just a week ago and she hadn't known.  She asked us if it was awkward when we were fighting, and how  do you get over it and more, and I was so happy, and proud of our answers.  I just remember us telling her that it wasn't awkward to be around each other when we fight, but we may just want our own space for a minute to cool off.  We told her that we were actually happy when we got through our first fight, because that meant we knew we could work through things.  We told her that we would be more scared if we didn't fight, because that meant we weren't telling each other everything.  We said that we knew that a fight was just a disagreement on an idea we both had, but it in no way changed the way we feel about each other. My David was so wonderful in that moment as we talked to his sister, and I couldn't help but be proud. I love that man.  And I love how he handles things. 

This last month has turned me into a crazy person, and he still loves me with all that he is.  I have never cried so much, never had such knotted up shoulders, gained so much weight, or had so many grey hairs pop up on my head.  And he just sits there and holds me.  He can tell when I need a nap, and he'll rub my back until I fall asleep and then wash my dishes.  He is never short on compliments and is always my perfect person. The other day as I was getting ready to take him home, I started bawling, like can stop tears...but for one of the few times in my life they were pure happiness tears. I get him. forever.  I can never repay my Lord and Savior for placing this wonderful, gentle, sincere, happy, tender, funny, calm, warm man in my life.  All good things in life are worth waiting for. I just had to wait for him a while longer then I had expected.

I am blessed to call him mine.

by the way, we got this puppy!

Marching through March

Holy smokes!  March has been one heck of a month, and we are only 11 days in!  So many things have changed. 

1- David had his birthday, and turned a whopping 22 years old.  (yes I feel old)

2- David decided that the best thing for him at this time was to withdraw from school

3- I went down to Provo, for that handsome man's birthday, and we ended up bringing him home a few weeks early.  Mind you everything he owned, PLUS a bike was stuffed into the trunk/backseat of my toyota corolla.

4- David moved home, and is on the job hunt.  If you know of ANYTHING in Poky that will work with a school schedule, please, PLEASE, let us know.

5- I applied for a transfer in my office.  There will be no pay increase, and I will be on the same level, BUT, I would only have one desk and only one boss. Right now I have 2 desks and 4 bosses.  I'm hoping that if I get this my overall stress level will go down.

6- We are t-minus two months away from the wedding date, and I feel like I am not prepared even in the slightest.

7- My ring is gone... again.  This time it went black AND some diamonds fell out, so we are at square one again.  A beautiful cz amazon sterling silver ring is on it's way to my doorstep as we speak.  I tried to find something kinda  close to my original, and found that, well, I had a unique ring.  But I settled on something and honestly will be thoroughly pissed when I find out that this holds up better than my actual, expensive, ring from a jeweler. (NEVER go to Samuels.. word to the wise)

8- Since David has come home, we will not be making the trek down to Provo come fall.  David has decided that he would LOVE to attend ISU, so we will stay in my current apartment, and I will continue to work (hence the attempt to switch jobs... I had my heart set on only having to keep going with it until summer, I cant make it any longer than that)

SO much has happened, and has been decided in the last week, but I cant wait for the next 66 days to be done so that I don't have to send David home anymore.  The nights get harder and harder.  I wish he could just stay there with me.  I really love him, and want him with me all the time. Is that too much to ask?!  We spent 6 1/2 months apart for heavens sakes :)  Soon enough.

Until we know more.

Love,
The Covey Clan

Frustration

 

 

 

 

I have no idea how to put what I'm feeling into words...

or rather, NICE words.

So I wont even try.

 

But I'm just going to say this.

I love the man pictured above.

I love him with every fiber of my being.

The last 6 1/2 months we have lived three hours apart,

it has been so incredibly hard,

but such a BLESSING.

 

Because of this,

David and I have had to learn to cling to each other emotionally.

We have to talk EVERYTHING out.

Things ALWAYS get misconstrued because I'm not with him.

we FIGHT just like every other couple...

BUT, because of this we can just get physical to get over it.

We have had to learn how to tenderly take care of each other's feelings without being there.

I'm so GRATEFUL for this.

I believe because of this we cherish each other more.

We have learned more about each other than most mormons who are engaged.

We know eachother's feelings, thoughts, passions, frustrations, ect.

How BLESSED are we?

 

No matter what ANYONE says or does,

they will NEVER pull us apart.

 

This week we have felt like a few people are trying to do this.

They may not be meaning to, but it still feels like it.

and to you I say,

IT WONT WORK.

 

I love him, and he loves me.

The bond is more than just a physical one.

Sure, he's fun to kiss, but we LOVE to talk.

we know EVERYTHING about each other.

I'm curious to know how you can think a 10 month relationship,

and 6 1/2 of those being long distance can work without communication.

because to me, that would be a waist of time.

If I wanted purely a physical relationship, trust me I would not do long distance.

 

People,

I'm baffled.

I'm frustrated.

I feel belittled.

 

Thank you for your concern, now back off.

 

He picked me.

AND

I picked him back.

 

AND to top it ALL off, I sprayed like an ENTIRE spritz of perfume in my eye today.

I have NO idea how.

ya

 

Only a few more months and  we can settle into home.

I'm so excited.

 

 

END RANT

 

Happy Tuesday.

 

:)

 

 

 

 



86 days.

Engaged life is good, folks!

I'm not sure why people say it's hard, or weird, we have completed three months of this engaged business and it's wonderful!  I mean, it will be infinitately better when we are actually married, and when we actually live in the same town, but hey we can't be too picky, right?  We get to see each other roughly every other weekend.  Some months we see each other more than others.  Right now it's great because we've seen each other a lot... but I'm scared that might start to change since volleyball games are going to start happening soon.  But things are good.  We talk every night, via skype or the phone, and always make sure to at least send a few texts during the day.  Some weeks are easier than others, and lets be honest, most are extremely hard.  It's awful not having him here, but it makes our weekends that much better.  It's weird to think that I'm planning on marrying a guy that I'm away from more than I'm with.  The next 86 days can't go by fast enough.  I miss my best friend every day, and can't wait until i can sit down and actually see his face when he's had a bad day, or to have him not feel guilty about not being in town to help me with things.  It's so not fun when he's sick, or I'm dying of cramps (guys, seriously, last month tried to kill me) and neither  one of us can do a thing for the other.  If you are in a relationship and your guy lives in the same town as you, take advantage of it please.   BUT, despite all that, honestly I love that guy. 

We've had an eventful few months.  Wedding plans are falling together effortlessly, which is amazing.  And of course, people are driving us nuts when it comes to plans, and we've had some minor set backs when it comes to my ring, but we're making it work.  We finally have a new ring, same style, but a different ring, and that was stressful, a few tears were shed during the month I didn't have a ring hahaha. We tried to take our actual engagement pictures and the wonderful rain, mud, fog, bad light combo ruined that... so next week it is!  But we do have a few teasers!  One of my friends enjoys taking pictures, and just wanted some practice shooting couples and we gladly volunteered!  So now we have her teaser pictures and then we will have the ones we pay for!  I'm equally excited about both.  Here's a few :)

the moral of the story is, I'm very in love with him.  He is amazing.  he treats me like a queen and is always there for me, even when he's in a different state. I could not ask for a more perfect man for me.