Starting Up Again

Clearly I haven't done this in ages.. Since we were newly weds actually.  But, now we are days away from our 3 year anniversary, and honestly, marriage isn't what I had expected.

Marriage is wonderful, it really is.  But I just sort of thought that getting married might "fix" some insecurities I had.  I know that was a dumb thought!  But it hasn't, if anything it's brought those things closer to the surface, which I guess is a good thing, because now, I can face them head on!  Like a freaking champion, or unicorn.  I like unicorns better.

Years 1 and 2 of marriage were pretty straight forward and easy for me.  We are both busy, we don't see each other tons, so our time together we loved.  But the end of year three things got rockier.  I can honestly say that the last 5 months of my life have been the hardest.  If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I could have kept going the way I am, I would have laughed and said, "Hell no!".  But, here I am, standing as tall as I can, and pushing to make life easier.

I think that some things in a marriage need to be kept between the couple, and that's where most of my deepest thoughts will stay.  Tucked away in a journal, because writing things down helps.  But I will say that the Lord works in mysterious ways, and more than anything, I have been trying to learn to accept my Father's will and timing.

Right after an incredibly trying, and difficult time with my sweetheart, so many thoughts were coming swiftly to my mind.  One of them being, are we going to make it?  That thought swirled around in my head for a few weeks.  I was petrified that I would end up divorced just like my parents.  But, I needed to stand my ground and things needed to change.  So, with that, I prepared myself to become okay with the idea of being alone again if certain things did not change swiftly.  But within a few weeks of finding my bottom line, I found out that I was expecting our first baby.  The deed happened before crap hit the fan, but now we were bringing a child into our crazy, unstable home.

I will never forget thinking, man my period feels late.  But I chalked it up to the fact that I have an incredibly long cycle anyways - 36 days - and it's not always normal...  We had actually TRIED for a baby all of October, November and December and didn't get anywhere, so there was no way that this could be happening when we were actively preventing.  I had just been saying how grateful I was that I wasn't pregnant before things got hard at home.  But, Sunday, January 29th, I woke up early and took the test before David woke up.  I just knew in my heart that there was nothing... but as quickly as those thoughts entered my head, they were swiftly stolen away by the blaring word "pregnant" flashing across the screen.  There were no tears. There was no emotion.  There was slight excitement, but more fear than anything else.  I slowly walked to our bedroom, woke my husband up and handed him the test.  Not saying a word.

So, I did what I do best, suppressed the feelings, and worked diligently to help aid in the fixing of our marriage for baby's sake.  I had always said that I wanted a surprise baby, and here it was, so this must be God's perfect timing, because he doesn't make mistakes.

We told our families about baby when we were about 10 weeks along.  Everyone was in town and I just kept telling myself that there was such a low risk of there being something wrong, that we would be okay.  Our parents knew we were struggling, and instead of excitement, I got blank stares of fear when we said they were going to be grandparents.  My heart sunk.  For 27 years I had waited for that moment of telling family that we would have a baby, and then I literally got asked, "Are you okay with this?"  I wanted to scream from the roof tops, "What other choice to I have than to be grateful for this child that God has blessed me with?!"  I avoided baby talk with them and just pushed forward in working on our home.

The idea that we were having a baby finally sunk in.  I was beyond excited and things were starting to get easier at home.  I was only sick every once in a while, but was thinking I just must be a lucky one!  I started stocking up on diapers and making lists of things we needed.  We had our first appointment with the Dr. and started a payment plan to cover costs of our new bundle of joy.  But, on February 27th, I started to spot.  I had a little spotting earlier, but the midwife insured me that it was normal, and I was fine.  But this was different.  That night I was making dinner and instantly I felt sick.  My stomach hurt and I felt yucky, so I lied down on the couch, honestly too scared to go to the bathroom.  When I finally did- what I saw broke my heart.  I left my husband a message and then I frantically tried to call the midwife, but their office was closed.  So, naturally, I called my mom.  Through tears I asked if what was happening was normal, I asked her to be straight with me, and in a sad voice I heard, "sweetheart, it sounds like its not sticking."  I knew what that meant, she had confirmed my worse fears.  She thought I was miscarrying.

We decide to not go to the hospital, because that would be a large bill for only answers, they wouldn't be able to do anything.  That night I asked our closest friends and family to pray.  I got a blessing, and we decided to go to the doctor as soon as they opened.  I called the next morning and got an appointment right at the beginning.  The bleeding had slowed, so David had felt pretty sure that we would hear a heart beat.. but I knew deep down that there wouldn't be one.  I had woken up crying because I realized  that my breasts weren't tender anymore, I knew this was it.

The midwife ordered an ultrasound and I watched the screen with tears in my eyes as I saw the sac, but didn't see anything in it.  I had never been pregnant before, but I knew that something was wrong.  The tech then said, "well, you are measuring a little small.." I was measuring at 6 weeks 5 days, and was almost 11 weeks along.  But baby wasn't there.  Blighted Ovum.  (If you don't know what this is, it's the most common form of early miscarriage.  It happens when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but never develops into an embryo) I remember I couldn't even hold David's hand, I just had one had on my stomach, while the other was up holding my hair out of my face.  I was just staring.  The rest of the appointment I dont' really remember.  I know they gave me options of a natural miscarriage, a d&c or cytotec.. but I felt like I couldn't make that kind of decision that quickly.  So we opted for natural and then could discuss other options later.  We went to breakfast, bought pads, and waited.  My sister brought dinner, another sent flowers, my friends brought dinner, a lady I work with brought dinner for  3 days in a row, and sent flowers, some family sent cards... but I just wanted to be alone.  I stayed home from work for a week, and I don't think I left the couch.

A few days after the news we decided that the waiting was horrible.  I didn't want to go to work and have it happen while I was there so I took cytotec to basically induce labor.  I would end up taking these pills 3 separate times- and it still wouldn't work.  It was painful, but it almost felt good, because the physical pain was helping with the emotional pain.  On March 29th I spoke with the doctor on the phone through tears, as they told me I would need an emergency D&C because things were taking too long, and my numbers weren't dropping.  But, then I went home for lunch and it happened.  I was alone.  The hardest thing I ever did was flush.  I quietly knelt down in my bathroom and offered a prayer thanking my Father in Heaven for letting me be that baby's momma even for  just the few days or minutes it's tiny heart was beating.  People may think it's crazy, but to ease my heart I felt that our baby needed a name. Jordan Riley Covey. Gender neutral and perfect for our first babe.

I feel like now, everyone and their dog are due around September 27th.  My baby's birthday.  And with each new announcement, tears stream down my face as I try to say congratulations and tell them how excited I am for them.  Because I truly am, but I hurt for myself.  I now wear a small pear necklace for my angel baby and am dreading my first Mother's Day. Because no one knows I am one.

I'm trusting the Lord's timing.  I know that now probably wasn't the best time to bring a child into our family, but it defiantly doesn't minimize the pain in any way.  I also know that this baby brought my husband and I closer.  I don't think I would've worked as hard as we have if it weren't for baby Jordan.

For now, I'm just holding to the fact that I am a Momma.

By baby is just in heaven waiting for me.